Remembrance Day is a sad if reflective time.
My heart feels as though it will break.
Teardrops fall among sunny moments.
Music provides momentary relief, while solemn notes match my mood.
Grief surfaces as I recall and silently thank those veterans, past and present, who served us all.
These waves touch each and every one . . .
Bless the Survivors
Tomorrow signals the end of October.
Halloween was always a flurry of activity in my household, first as a child myself, and then later as a mother.
Homemade costumes were the order of the day in both scenarios; I being the recipient in the former and creator in the latter.
As a parent, I recall ’dressing up’ while dishing out goodies as the greeter of ’trick or treaters’.
One year I might be ‘fiercely frightening’ and the next ‘creatively colourful’.
Those were ‘fun’ and tender times.
My inner child easily surfaced with young children of my own to show me the way.
Now it takes a little more work to engineer the journey inward to find her.
Memories conjure moments lost, while feelings of anticipation linger . . .
Fifteen months ago on the 15th deserves a note, Mom.
Although I have been grieving, and more so lately, your death is feeling a little more distant.
I keep you in my heart and maybe that is the reason.
Lots of changes are happening.
I cannot go back; I must move forward.
No matter what my age I will continue to learn, grow and enjoy my life.
Travel has its place.
Now I embark on another journey to fulfil my destiny.
‘Timing is everything’, and this is the moment, my moment.
Thanksgiving weekend is about to begin in Canada. It is time to harvest and share the bounty.
With a very long, hot, sunny summer behind us, and just the ‘right’ amount of rain, this year has seen a great growing season.
In fact, Ontario wines for 2010 are being touted, even before they ferment, as ‘collector’ vintage. We shall wait to ‘nose’, ‘see’, and ‘taste’!
Every year, these upcoming few days are bittersweet for me.
In one of my posts last fall, I recall mentioning that fact.
As I am about to see another year since my birth go by, I remember my godson and nephew, who left us that same date fifteen years ago.
I give thanks for ‘life’, both mine and his.
None of us knows when it will end.
Each day is a gift, the present we share with others who cross our path.
It only takes a smile, a greeting, a laugh, or just a nod of the head, to lift the spirit of someone else.
A small but meaningful gesture goes a long way in life.
As September fades and another month advances, I feel a little like ‘fall’ myself.
At the risk of ‘feeling sorry for myself’, I will anyway.
Each of us is entitled to curl up in the fetal position and hibernate once in a while.
Too many losses occurring simultaneously can cause that reaction in me, as the sadness of every loss I have ever experienced is easily triggered when I feel overwhelmed.
Today is one of those times.
I wish my Mom were here to listen to me, or just to hear her talk would be comforting.
My Dad’s reassuring voice and sense of humour would lighten my load as well.
In reality, at this moment in time, there is no living person who can give me the unconditional emotional support I need. That is a lonely feeling.
Spiritually, I can get what I need. Physically and emotionally I cannot.
My friends and family are involved in their own ‘situations’ and are ‘unavailable’ to me. In fact some of them need me and my strength.
I know logically that ‘this too will pass’, yet right now it is a painful process.
I still have my appetite which is a good sign. And I can count my blessings.
Perspective is always comforting.
The weather is cooperating with no rain today. The sun will shine.
I just need to ‘let go’ and allow these waves to crash into me if need be, knowing I will not drown. I haven’t yet!
I am a survivor and have much to offer others in this life.
My purpose for having this gift of life is unfolding as it is intended, I do believe, and will be revealed to me as time goes on.
To accept this gift is to live my life for me. That is after all, what a gift is; free, with no ‘strings’ attached.
As I enjoy my life, the light and love I feel freely flows to others, which is the by-product. Perhaps that is the purpose . . .
I just feel the need to ask for a little help from another human being to change my course again.
Someone who is non-judgemental, objective, and can feed back my thoughts to me will be my choice. A dash of sensitivity is also a prerequisite.
I have always told others that to seek help when one needs it is a real sign of strength, not weakness.
I will practise what I preach.
The friend I have known the longest, and who probably knows me best, is moving thousands of miles away this week.
I have helped her with sorting/packing as much as I could, while maintaining a positive outlook.
It will be a good move for her, back to her home where family awaits.
And yet she leaves her ‘family’ of friends behind, whom she has accumulated over a multitude of decades.
Speaking for myself, I will be at a ‘loss’ without her nearby.
That is what I am feeling today. Grief for this loss, another change in my life.
Recently, I had to let go of the ‘dream’ of having a loving relationship with someone who had become a ‘habit’ in my life. Another loss.
As it turns out, many of my perceptions of this individual were inaccurate in reality.
It is easy to love the positive traits in another, and more difficult to embrace the ‘whole’ person.
I do have a way of accepting others ‘unconditionally’, which at times ‘comes back to bite me’, as some of these people are unable to return this kind of acceptance.
There are people in my life who repeat hurtful patterns of behaviour toward me.
Each time it has happened, I have forgiven them, with the hope that history would not repeat itself. Inevitably it does.
Some people do not change. I would ascertain that these individuals do not know themselves well enough to acknowledge or to assume responsibility for their hurtful behaviour.
One reason for this ‘blind spot’ is that they have an ‘image’ to uphold to themselves and to others in their world. To realize that they are doing something that disrespects another, would not ‘fit’ with their perception of themselves.
Another reason for this denial is that these persons view themselves as ‘victims’ when it involves being hurt, and they are unable in this particular stance to take ownership for their own behaviour when it is hurtful to another.
Regardless of the reason(s) causing the behaviour, I have come to realize that I owe it to myself to no longer ‘trust’ someone who has repeatedly broken my trust and disrespected me.
Betrayal of my trust shows me that someone is untrustworthy.
Respect for myself necessitates that I distance myself from these persons, even when I love them.
Not only is change a constant in this life (even though some refuse to change their behaviour); losses in life are as well.
Fourteen months have now passed with my Mom’s own passing.
I have been travelling since my last post.
Wherever I went, although the forecast unpredictable and sometimes grim, sunshine welcomed me.
I recall that was the nickname given to my mother in her adolescent youth, “Sunshine”, by the travellers and diners in restaurants where she waitressed.
Her smile obviously warmed the hearts of many who saw the sun shining in her face no matter what the weather.
I felt the warmth of her love along the way no matter how far I traversed.
My soul is at peace today with treasured memories easing the twinges of pain tugging at my heart.
A little rain in the form of teardrops will quickly dry in the warmth of my mother’s ”sunshine”.
Yesterday marked the 13th month without my mother.
I decided to spend the day hiking in the woods, even though the humidex registered 100 degrees F with possible thunderstorms in the forecast.
A small group of us made for an enjoyable outing in spite of mosquitoes and deerflies.
It was good for me to be with others on this day.
The 8 mile trek seemed like what would be 12 in cooler temperatures, and the thunder, though close, only sent a warm rain, not lightning, at the end of the trail.
Afterward, washing away what the heavens did not felt soothing.
There were no tears to mix with raindrops and showerspray this day as in past months.
The prior week had used all of my soul’s anguish, and even now as I recall those feelings my eyes brim.
They do not overflow, which tells me healing is replacing grief one day at a time.
As if on cue, my Mom’s Christmas cactus sitting on her desk is blooming, signalling renewal even as fall approaches.
As I sit at the computer on a beautiful, hot summer’s day in July, I recall the hospital room I sat in one year ago today.
My mother lay there, as her spirit was leaving her shell of an earthly body.
The only thing I could do was watch, as I spoke softly in her ear, and encourage the staff to make her as comfortable as possible.
She was sleeping, and then she was gone.
This has been a long road for twelve months, and one journey I know will never really end until I meet her again on the other side.
In the meantime, I will relish the signs she sends, and live my life to the fullest, enjoying the moments.
The waves do wash over me occasionally, yet definitely not as harshly as in the beginning. I seem to be able to let myself go with them now, and surface calmer.
Yesterday I felt anxious and sad. I couldn’t understand the reason, until I realized that my body was remembering how I felt twelve months ago.
The sympathy cards are laid to rest now, with my Mom.
The memories will always stay in my heart.
My hope is, that as time passes, the sadness will lessen with the arrival of each anniversary, and the love I feel for my mother will infinitely grow, encompassing others.