Judy Price is Writing

Forgiveness or letting go is one of the most difficult parts of a break-up.

It is important to remember that it is the relationship that failed, not the partners themselves.  Individuals are not failures.

To forgive is not the same as to forget. 

There are probably many things that happened on both sides of the relationship that cannot be forgotten, especially if betrayal is involved. 

Infidelity, although a symptom of a failed relationship, cannot be condoned or minimized.  It may be difficult, if not impossible, to trust the other person again.

Forgiveness is actually a gift one gives to oneself, as it is the release of negative emotions which can burden the individual.  It is not a feeling, but rather a decision, and allows one the freedom to move on, as the negative break-up situation no longer has any power. 

It is liberating yet unilateral.  An apology cannot realistically be expected from the other side.

When each partner is able to take responsibility for his/her part in the breakdown of the interaction, then it becomes a little less painful to accept the end of the relationship, which in turn makes forgiveness, or letting go of negative feelings, easier to do.

Free from destructive emotions, the partners can then be cordial with one another if not salvage a friendship.  When children are involved, parenting them successfully necessitates constructive communication with one another.

However, even if the other partner holds on to negativity, the one who is liberated from blame and anger can focus on healing, to learn how to become a whole individual, with a new repertoire of constructive behaviours to bring into any future relationship.

As each holiday season approaches, the loneliness felt in the aftermath of a break-up can be excruciating.

For those who celebrate upcoming festive seasons, the sights of decorated streets and stores, happy holiday shoppers, especially couples, along with the sounds of memorable music playing in public places, in addition to holiday advertising on television and radio, can all conjure memories of happier times, which make the losses resulting from the split more prevalent.

Loneliness, without a partner, is difficult at the best of times.  The festive seasons call for more self-nurturing than ever to deal with the sad feelings of being alone.

Surrounding oneself with caring and supportive, as opposed to critical people, is especially important.  This might mean spending time with family, or conversely distancing from them, depending how the individual feels when with relatives.

Selective friendships and social situations which are uplifting are crucial at this time.

Some individuals find that changing traditions and routines during the holidays helps to ease the pain, especially when it is the first season of being single.

It is important to realize that other life losses are triggered when grieving the loss of a relationship.  Some of these might have occurred through the death of loved ones, including pets, a health issue, financial hardship, career loss, or other friendship and relationship endings.

Knowledge of what personally triggers difficult emotions can help an individual to make decisions to change what is now hurtful to something less painful.  For every individual this will vary. 

One person might choose to go on vacation and skip the festive season, while another might help feed the homeless in a soup kitchen.  Gathering in a community or religious setting might comfort some, while being alone with a pet or a funny movie might be the choice for others.

It is a time of trial and error.  Seeking counsel is always wise, whether it be of a religious, medical, or other therapeutic nature. 

As each ‘first’ season of change and memorable date without the partner passes, so does some of the pain and loneliness.  To manage the first one, the individual must choose to do what will make a positive difference for him or her.

In the beginning stages of a break-up, several normal emotions and reactions to loss become twisted together, overwhelming the individual. When untangled and examined, each feeling can then be dealt with to enable healing to occur. 

Just as fire destroys everything in its’ path, leaving only ashes, unless anger is dealt with productively, it can either lead to depression, as revealed in the last article, or to bitterness and resentment, which can poison any real chance for happiness.

Blaming the ex is a normal response to hurt and disappointment, especially when betrayal is the issue.  In the case of spousal abuse, legal and professional authorities’ intervention is absolutely vital for survival.  This topic is beyond the scope of what these break-up articles deal with. 

Some individuals continue to hold onto their anger, becoming bitter and resentful.  Their identity can become lost in smoldering, underlying hostility.   Humour is replaced with sarcasm.

Finding it easier to hold grudges rather than to move forward, these people see themselves as victims rather than as survivors of a break-up, making recovery more difficult, if not impossible.

Learning to let go of anger means letting go of dreams, and the relationship. 

It also means finding a new sense of self as a separate, unique and whole individual, thereby taking responsibility for one’s own future peace and joy.

Taking a written inventory of every wrong-doing on both sides of the relationship, and then destroying the list is a very practical way to begin to bring closure. 

This symbolic gesture of identifying and then letting go of resentment and guilt can prove to be a satisfying release on the road to recovery from a break-up and blame of the ex.

As discussed in the previous break-up article, anger is a normal reaction to grief and loss.

When turned inward and not acknowledged as a legitimate emotion, there is no chance of vocalizing the pain.  Sharing feelings gives anxiety and frustration a voice. 

Without an outlet, anger could spiral into depression. 

Feelings of lethargy, changes in sleep and eating patterns, isolation from social and work situations, thoughts of harming oneself, are all strong indicators that one is experiencing more than sadness from the loss of a relationship, and it is imperative to seek medical help and advice from a physician.

Professional psychological therapy might be indicated as well.

With the proper help, an individual can learn how to effectively deal with the real physical and mental effects of depression to continue on the path of recovery from the break-up.

As the losses that occur with the break-up of a relationship ‘sink in’, many emotions surface. 

Denial yields to acceptance, as sadness, hurt and disappointment lead to anger, a normal grief reaction.

Feelings of rejection, betrayal, fear, insecurity, loneliness, powerlessness, and guilt can all lead to the emotion of anger.

To recognize and normalize the anxiety and frustration experienced during a break-up can lead the individual to learn appropriate ways to control anger, and thereby pre-empt a build-up of rage which could result in destructive behaviours.

The following ‘how-to’ list of healthy ways to deal with anger is not exhaustive.

-    Assert feelings by verbalizing or writing them down using non-violent words
-    Silence (‘bite the tongue’) to think first and replace verbal aggression with assertion
-    Physical exercise i.e. walk, run, work-out, dance
-    Meditative exercise i.e. yoga
-    Meditation i.e.prayer, peaceful visualization,deep-breathing/relaxation stress-reducing exercises
-    Listen to or play music that relaxes and soothes the soul
-    Spiritual expression through a belief in a power greater than oneself/experience nature
-    Practise countering another’s anger with gentleness as opposed to harshness
-    View &/or create beauty in art, movies, nature etc. as opposed to ‘dark’ or angry scenes

Remember that anger is a normal emotional reaction to the life-changing event of a ’break-up’.  It is how the individual controls and deals with this anger that will enable healing to occur or not. 

An example of ‘how not to deal with anger’ is shown in the movie, “the break-up”.

 A break-up not only signals the loss of a relationship; a broken heart, but also broken dreams.

Each partner has probably envisioned goals for their life together, and perhaps the couple has already realized some of these.  Letting go of each other and these plans can be a very painful process.

Time allows healing to occur; however, time alone does not heal the broken-hearted.  Acknowledging all of the losses incurred in a break-up, and then grieving them is important in order to move on.

Listing losses helps individuals to recognize reality, as the first stage in any type of grief or loss is denial, and once the loss is identified it is easier to accept.

Once again, as in healing heartbreak, tears and laughter can help.  The romantic comedy, “Something’s Gotta Give” demonstrates this beautifully. 

As a person moves through the grief healing journey, and becomes stronger, a variety of activities can replace those that occurred when part of a couple. 

Dreams can also shift to individual as opposed to partner aspirations. 

When this happens, the person is on the road to recovery of his/her identity as wholly separate and single, a life-changing growth opportunity.  The story of the main character in the book and movie of the same name, “Under the Tuscan Sun”, is an excellent example of this process  .

The Peter Munk Cardiac Centre at Toronto General Hospital is ‘the’ place to find specialists to repair a damaged heart.

If a heartache/heartbreak from a split could be healed by this kind of doctor, professionals who specialize in break-up emotions would be unnecessary.

The reality is that when two people separate, a number of losses and reactions to them occur.

Some people try to avoid the pain by entering another relationship quickly, and while this might feel good in the short term, most experts agree that a rebound union rarely works in the long term.

An opportunity for personal growth and change is created when faced with a break-up. A newly single person can now become truly whole, as opposed to ‘the other half’ of a couple.

First you grieve, and for most people that means ‘first you cry’.

In order to begin to heal, the heart must be ‘cleansed’, and tears help.

In a society where the avoidance of pain and pursuit of pleasure is the norm, some might have difficulty allowing ‘negative’ emotions to surface.

Both sad and funny stories told in books, movies or theatre, such as ‘‘The Boys in the Photograph”, the Andrew Lloyd Webber-Ben Elton musical, can trigger tears.

Comic relief balances crying with laughter, which is very good medicine for a broken heart, or any medical condition, according to Hunter “Patch” Adams. The doctor’s story is told through Robin Williams in the movie Patch Adams, and in the book entitled Gesundheit!

Thought I would add a little levity to my life today, in keeping with the decision I made yesterday to allow my ‘air’ sign to express itself.

As this is the nine month anniversary of my mother’s death, I began thinking of some other important occasions in my life that have taken that amount of time. 

Thankfully most of these are happy ones!

The births of my children took nine months even though total gestation, I’m told, takes ten.

The house where I raised my children took nine months to build, as did the vacation home we enjoyed in the south.

Sadly, the demise of the business also happened during a nine month timeframe, as this was the deadline to receive the project financing to move forward.

Unfortunately this became an overly ambitious endeavour, given that the banking financial crisis was occurring simultaneously.

With a new chapter unfolding, I am hopeful that the next nine months will produce the fruits of my labour in my creative journey.

I’m told there is a new moon tonight with the end of one chapter where another begins.

Once again my life seems to mirror the state of the planetary changes.

Just when I decide to move forward in one direction, life has other plans, and I find myself spinning off my axis.

My drifting this time is not only without my anchor but also without my rudder. 

I feel lost and it hurts to be in this place.  

The earth that grounds me as I walk in nature, now conjures memories of  hope.

I need to take to the sky; the heavens far above the sea beckon me. 

The earth will always have its place as I am of ‘clay’.

It is my ethereal spirit that leads me on my way.

Snow flurries fell from the sky today!  A chill is in the air.   

Mother nature is fooling us this month, as it is normally April ‘showers’  that bring May flowers.

Now that spring hikes had begun for me, this feels like a step backward, which I hope is only temporary. 

I need to be surrounded by nature as I feel the waves of grief resurfacing.

Melancholy feelings are conjured with this change in the weather, and with the realization that the nine month anniversary of my mother’s death will soon be here.

The sympathy cards are still on her desk.  I’m just not ready to lay them to rest.  Lately, I have been strong and it hurts to give in to the grief.  

Socializing with friends, both new and old, while enjoyable, as it was this evening, cannot seem to sustain my spirit when I then return home to be alone.

Unpredictability, when it is negative, is never welcomed.

The weather is not in my control. 

Other people’s actions are not in my control. 

I can only be responsible for my own behaviour and how I respond to others.   

I was always of the belief that ‘actions’ speak louder than words, yet when it is words I want to hear that are spoken by one I feel close to, and want to know better, I have a tendency to overlook the actions that follow.

I can only have faith that my trust will not be misplaced.

As usual, time will tell the story.