Judy Price is Writing

At the best of times life’s stressors can cause havoc if not dealt with appropriately.

When dealing with a break-up, it is especially important to be vigilant regarding ones stress level.

Everyday tasks can become overwhelming to someone experiencing extreme emotions, which are the norm for an individual grieving the loss of a relationship.

Feelings of insecurity, loneliness, anger, betrayal, sadness, to name a few, all contribute to behaviours that may be unhealthy, creating physical and emotional stress.

Some try to avoid the pain by numbing the mind with alcohol or drugs.  Others turn to food or conversely experience loss of appetite.

Sleep can be used as an escape or can be reduced if the mind is plagued with anxiety-ridden thoughts.

Exercise, while an excellent stress-reliever in moderation, if obsessive can lead to more health issues.

Seeking comfort through risk-taking behaviours such as excessive credit card use/ shopping or sexual encounters can lead to deterioration of financial, emotional, psychological and physical health.

Meditation, music, journaling, imagery and relaxation exercises, massage therapy, mineral baths, herbal tea, nutritious foods, sports, dancing, physical exercise, creative pursuits such as art or writing, changing one’s thought process from catastrophizing to more realistic or hopeful thoughts; all can be effective ways to manage ones stress level.

Sometimes it can be helpful to turn off the ‘bad’ news and watch comedy, sports, and uplifting stories instead.

Seeking the input of a doctor or therapist might be necessary to implement the above strategies, as an individual’s energy level needs to be addressed in order to have the ability to engage in healthy stress-reducing activities. 

It is always wise to enlist a doctor to monitor ones blood pressure and overall health, especially during stress-inducing times.

As stress management strategies are learned and implemented, an individual who benefits, will then feel empowered to actively use these techniques routinely as part of daily life in the future.

What was a devastating stressor in ones life can become an opportunity to create positive and healthy lifestyle changes moving forward.

In a break-up the individual gets custody of oneself.  Perhaps this is the first time as an adult that one is alone.  As daunting as that can be, it is also an opportunity to develop a relationship with oneself.

Discovering what your preferences are and exploring a variety of interests assist the learning of who you are.  Just like in developing a relationship with another person, it is similar in becoming your own best friend.

The reality is that you are the only one who will be with you as long as you live, and the only person you can really rely on and trust to do what’s best for you.

There might be personal childhood issues or other trauma(s)  that occurred in one’s life that need to be addressed in therapy before one can become emotionally healthy.

Unlike the stigma that sometimes occurs regarding those who seek the professional assistance of  ’shrinks’, it is a genuine strength to ask for help when it is needed.

Caregivers, in particular, or those who assume the role of the one who routinely  ’gives’ more than he/she  ’takes’ in  relationships, usually have difficulty seeking help from others. 

These individuals might view a break-up as an opportunity to finally learn how to ‘take’ from others to gain a more healthy balance in their lives.

Self-esteem or self-worth is developed as a person gains confidence in his/her value as a unique individual. 

When one believes that work or other people are what give value to him/her, as opposed to oneself, then a relationship or career loss can be devastating to this individual.

A break-up can be the stimulus to finally learn self-love which enables one to move on.

When February arrives each year, reminders of Valentine’s Day are everywhere.  Red hearts on store windows, greeting cards, chocolates, flowers, lingerie; all are themed for lovers.

February 14th is difficult for many singles. 

For those recovering from a break-up, the date can trigger loving memories from the past and lonely feelings in the present.

When the ‘Vagina Monologues’ was very popular several years ago, the term ‘V-Day’ took on a whole new meaning for women.  Valentine’s Day became one of celebrating self-love for oneself as a female, whether one had a partner or not.

There are many ways to deal with a day and night that is specifically set aside each year for lovers, as well as personal anniversaries that were once celebrated as a couple. 

Some singles choose to ignore these dates altogether and stay at home.  Others seek out friends, usually of the same sex, and enjoy dinner, a movie or other activities together.

However an individual spends these particular dates, it is important to learn how to nurture and care for oneself, choosing favourite things to eat, drink, and do, whether alone or not.

Regularly building time into your daily routine for yourself is self-caring, not selfish.

Self-love is a prerequisite for enabling one person to care for and love another.

An analogy that characterizes the absolute necessity for self-love is in our ‘friendly skies’. 

When an aircraft is boarded and ready for flight, one of the crucial safety measures is taught regarding what to do should the oxygen masks be released.

‘Always put on your own oxygen mask first, before attempting to assist anyone else, including small children.’

This is an important life lesson to learn and makes perfect sense, that to love and care for oneself is necessary before one can love or care for anyone else.

Love is not something we can let go, as love is a process.  It changes, but doesn’t die because we say good-bye. 

The relationship is what ends and needs to be let go.

As painful as the letting go is, trying to kill the love that developed in the relationship is impossible to do without numbing and embittering a part of oneself in the process.

The bond that is created between two people who love one another is broken when a relationship ends, yet the love and positive memories stay with each individual, enabling him/her to move on and to perhaps develop another future love relationship.

The love felt for the past partner is also what enables forgiveness to occur, along with reconciliation, which might only mean acceptance of the end of the relationship. 

If fear, which is the opposite of love, existed in the relationship, then the end of the union will hopefully liberate the one who experienced the dread.

The exertion of power and control over another is not love, and only engenders fear from the other partner. 

Submission is an expression of fear, not love, of the dominant one in the relationship. 

Please refer to my recommendation list ( at my link as  Life Relationships Toronto Break-up Examiner)  for resources to deal with this kind of abusive situation.

The book by Nicholas Sparks entitled Dear John, now made into a movie, characterizes what love means through the story of the main character, John Tyree, portrayed by actor Channing Tatum. 

In the book, John, who narrates his story in first person, is the epitome of what loving and letting go really means in a relationship.

When disaster strikes, as devastating as it is, it can also provide an opportunity for us to see our own lives more clearly, and to focus on others who are in the greatest need.

Perspective during and after a break-up is sometimes difficult to achieve, and it can take several years to gain insight and acceptance. 

The immediate knowledge that others are suffering in tangible, horrific, and urgent circumstances, such as those in the Haiti earthquake, can be the catalyst needed to grieve ones own losses while reaching out to the afflicted.

Counting our blessings in life, no matter how small these may appear,  in light of the reality that time on earth is fleeting, and the suffering of some is incomprehensible, can motivate an individual to take a personal inventory and to alter ones thinking to an attitude of gratitude. 

When this perspective is gained, healing is inevitable.

When individuals think of reconciliation after a break-up, they usually think it means ‘getting back together’. 

However, that is only one possibility, and only after both sides have resolved their differences. Both partners need to want to try together again.  Individual and couple therapy might be necessary to this end. This kind of reconciliation only has a chance when no third parties are involved.  It is a good goal to have, if possible, especially  when children are involved

A more realistic goal might be to reconcile as friends, or if that is not possible, as cordial past partners.  To do this, ‘letting go’ of blame and ‘forgiveness’ are essential ingredients.  Related articles which deal with these themes are referenced.

Another meaning, often overlooked, is to reconcile with oneself the fact that the relationship is over. 

Acceptance of the reality of life without the other partner is crucial for a person to move on with his/her life successfully.  Once this is accomplished, and the focus is on developing one’s own self, there is the possibility to be happy as a single.  When this goal is achieved, anything is possible.

As the new year, in this case a new decade,  unfolds, it is the perfect time to look ahead and begin to plan a new future.

When one dream ends, another begins.  It is an opportunity to learn about oneself and what truly makes one fulfilled.

As a child, an individual usually fantasizes about what would be ‘fun’ to do or be.  If tapped into as an adult, these dreams may be realized now.  For example, someone who loved to create beautiful finger paintings as a child might become an artist, even as a hobby if not a livelihood.

Participating in outdoor activities like hiking or skiing, could bring hours of pleasure.  The added benefit of physical exercise is the release of endorphins in the brain which creates a sense of well-being.

There are clubs in the city one can join to explore various interests with other like-minded individuals.

When a person learns to follow his/her passionate interests, a more satisfying life will ensue.

Another possibility for some, is to pursue volunteer activities to assist others in need.  It is very healthy to shift ones focus to something other than oneself, in order to heal and move on to a more gratifying future.

Whether or not an individual meets another to enter into a new relationship, as long as he/she is happy with oneself, the possibility of new dreams becoming reality is increased exponentially.

As a continuation of the previous article, entitled  ’New relationships’, this one will explore, through movie story-telling, how an individual’s new relationship is only as good as what each person brings to it.

When unresolved personal issues from the past, whether childhood-related or more recent, enter into a new relationship with the couple, the dynamics involved can prove to be insurmountable, as demonstrated in the movie, The Proposal. 

Sandra Bullock portrays a woman whose character purposefully keeps her from forming meaningful relationships with others.  Her journey to get in touch with the obstacles to her personal growth is, while humorous,  very poignant.

Another movie which shows several aspects of the difficulties involved after a break-up with the possibility of developing a new relationship, while both partners are dealing with past personal baggage, is Nights in Rodanthe.

Richard Gere’s portrayal of a doctor in this story, is a prime example of an emotionally-stifled individual, who with the aid of Diane Lane’s character in the movie, successfully encounters and overcomes the flaws interfering with his personal relationships.

While the above examples are stories from movies, they mirror real life, as all good drama and comedy does.

After the break-up, it is tempting to jump into a new relationship. 

A good rule of thumb is to look at the length of the union and calculate the number of months or years needed for healing to take place before the next one.

For every four years of the relationship, it generally takes one year of healing.

The individual will know that he/she is ready for a new relationship when one is no longer needed. 

Singleness is the key ingredient to develop, as a separate, unique and whole person, before having a successful partnership with another.

It is extremely helpful to develop healthy same-sex friendships during this time of healing.  Unconditional emotional support will assist one to grieve, and to learn how to survive as a single person. 

Having other neutral friends to do things with helps one to rejoin society in a non-threatening environment.

Exploring new interests and activities helps fill the void, while healing emotionally and increasing ones self-esteem.  The added benefit is the potential to meet new people and nurture additional friendships with like-minded individuals.

As challenging as it is to delay the desire for a new partner to replace the one who is gone, it is infinitely wiser to allow time to pass while focusing on ones own growth, to be ready to enter into the next relationship as a healthier person.

One of the most tangible losses when a couple separates can be financial stability.

If legal issues are not resolved amicably, debt can accrue quickly, with mounting adversarial bills.

The length of the relationship, marital status, and whether or not children are involved, are some of the factors determining how devastating the financial loss can be.

There is a very good article entitled “Breaking up without going broke”, written by Rebecca Field Jager, with valuable advice regarding how to negotiate these waters, which could assist with decision-making involving financial and legal matters.

The reality is that most partners in a longer-term relationship suffer financial loss as the result of a break-up. 

It is important to recognize that net worth does not equal self-worth.

In our wealth-oriented society, it is little wonder that many individuals do equate their own worth with the size of their monetary assets.

Provided each partner can realize the need to alter expectations regarding solo as opposed to dual income, and single as opposed to shared living costs, each will adjust successfully.

Some tips to do this are as follows:

Avoid credit card use.

Get help budgeting.

Re-order priorities i.e. Housing cost, car, debt, shopping, dining out, travel and other expenses.
Another resource, 211 Toronto, for those living in the city, lists services which might be useful, especially when experiencing job and financial loss.
 
This current economic climate is poor for the viability of many careers, let alone for those involved in break-ups. 

Being kind to oneself and the other partner will go a long way toward healing and eventual financial recovery for both individuals.