Judy Price is Writing

An ‘earlier than September in the UK’ opportunity has presented itself that I have decided to seize.

One of the hiking leaders with a group I enjoy organizes a two week trip to East Sussex in England in the latter part of May each year.

When she first advised me of her annual trek, during a hike last Labour Day weekend, I studied the brochure she gave me entitled, ‘Spring Time in England’, which mentioned several enticing features and sightseeing destinations. 

I put it on the desk, beside the sympathy cards.

Occasionally I would pick it up, examine it, and put it down again. 

I did not have the daily itinerary at that time, yet something inexplicable was telling me to seriously consider this opportunity.

I now have done so, and I am extending my trip by arriving earlier than the group will, enabling me to spend some time near and in London as well.  

Travelling this far, as well as experiencing old world history, necessitates at least one day exploring ‘that’ royal city! 

My friend is thankfully able to accommodate me for these few extra days, and I will be able to visit with him while enjoying some of the British sights.

I hope to visit Dover on my ‘free’ day, as this is the port my father’s ancestors emigrated from. 

They were sailors which would explain my affinity to the sea, and my yearning to learn how to sail as a crew member; not just a passenger.

That history is interesting as well. 

It seems my father’s paternal heritage can be traced back to the Normans in France, and even further back to the Scandinavians who invaded Normandy ages ago. 

With the Norman conquest of England, my French ancestors intermarried with the English and settled in Dover. 

My paternal great-grandfather’s relatives then immigrated to Wolfe Island and onward to Kingsville and surrounding areas in southern Ontario. 

Many of my distant relatives still live on this largest of the Thousand Islands, that forms a natural boundary at the entrance to the St. Lawrence River between Canadian and United States shores, as well as inhabit the small adjacent Simcoe Island. 

The rest is (my) ‘history’ as the saying goes . . .

I have recently learned that one of my treks in England will be with a local hiking club to the ‘area Hastings 1066 and all that’ as the description reads. 

I will experience firsthand the soil where The Battle of Hastings, which took place on 14 October 1066, and was the decisive Norman victory in the Norman Conquest of England, was fought, between the Norman army of Duke William II of Normandy and the English army of King Harold II.^[1] The battle took place at Senlac Hill, approximately 6 miles northwest of Hastings, close to the present-day town of Battle, East Sussex.               

Yes, there is something beckoning me to this place. 

Intuitively I am being led there…

Here I sit at the computer while my nephew, his bride, many of my relatives along with my daughters are all in the Mayan Riviera at an upscale resort, soaking in the sun and enjoying the sea as well as the local tequila &/or perhaps corona with lime.

The wedding takes place today, and I sent my love-filled wishes in a card and gift with my younger brother to give to his son and new daughter-in-law.

It is coincidental that I was ill and unable to fly without consequence.

I hope to visit the newlyweds, perhaps at the end of this summer.  My nephew told me he is marrying his ‘soul mate’.  He and I share that belief.   

If the wedding had taken place in the west, I would have planned to attend, as when I travel there I will also be able to visit my mother’s elderly sisters.

In this current economic climate and stage in my life, I must choose my travel destinations as wisely as possible, without guilt.

When I can use loyalty reward miles, as travel to all destinations in Canada and the United States allows me, I am more likely to take advantage of these trips.

If I can combine a visit to unknown places with or to see people I know, I feel blessed.

As I have never travelled further east across the Atlantic than to Newfoundland, I believe it is time for me to bridge that particular gap.

I had been thinking of going to the UK in September, and would have combined the trip with a visit to a good friend, who is living and working near London for one year. 

He has very kindly extended an open invitation to all of his family and friends while he is there. 

I met this individual when we were both participants in a divorcecare group, before I became a facilitator. 

We know details about each other’s lives that could only be learned that quickly based on the trust and confidentiality that is necessarily written and signed as a contract in a support group such as this.

I only have two platonic male friends, who I believe would do anything for me, and this man is one of those. 

The other will soon be married to another of my very good friends, and it is through her that I met him. 

She and I were participants in a women’s support group when both of us had recently separated, more than ten years ago, before our divorces. 

As kindred spirits, our friendship blossomed quickly.

The topic of male-female friendships is an interesting and sometimes complex one, which I will discuss in another post.

Part II of this post will follow . . .

When unwell, television seems a viable entertainment option.

‘Mona Lisa Smile’, starring Julia Roberts, is worth viewing tonight.

This story takes place in 1954, at Wellesley, a girl’s college in New England, where women were, at that time, being ‘groomed’  to be wives!  No pun intended.

Women teachers who encouraged young women to pursue their education and subsequent professional careers were considered to be ‘subversive’.

Protocol, manners, caring for husbands and nurturing their careers were on the agenda and the norm.

Sounds familiar, even though I was only a pre-schooler that year.

I, being a female ‘baby boomer’, was raised in an era by a mother who did teach me to cater to the men in my life, and assist them with their aspirations while stifling my own desires. 

At the same time she showed me her discomfort with this role, and encouraged my education, although she would have preferred for me to become a ‘hospital dietitian’ or remain a ‘nurse’ rather than pursue a post graduate degree.

I recall my Mom referring to my own smile as being similar to that in the famous Leonardo da Vinci portrait of the  ’Mona Lisa’. 

Those were the days before I opened my mouth to show my genuine ’tooth’ smile!

Women like me were of the ‘in-between’ generation, the daughters of traditional mothers and wives, and the mothers whose own daughters would choose career and motherhood, but not simultaneously. 

When one strives to be the ‘best’ wife, mother, professional, and individual all of the time, at the same time, something has to ‘give’. 

Mothers are usually the parents who feel guilt the most when faced with a choice of whether to put career or family first. 

I found when I put my career ahead of parenting, I needed to hire a ‘wife’.  

This was a woman who could take care of my children, do housework, including the laundry, and prepare meals which would be waiting for me and my husband when we arrived home from work.

I did not work full-time more than several months when my children were pre-schoolers, as I just could not reconcile someone else raising them in their formative years.

I was fortunate in that I could afford the luxury of working around their school hours when they were a little older.

My previous posts have addressed all of the personal losses I endured as a result of assuming a conflicted ‘superwoman’ role.

My daughters, on the other hand, are actively pursuing their careers before marriage and or motherhood.  They are independent, self-sufficient women who would like to have a family one day.

I would like that for them as well. 

As for me, I have learned how to take care of myself, enjoy my life, and live successfully alone as a single, separate, unique and whole individual. 

I no longer need a relationship with a man to define me.   I know, like and love the woman I am.  I will never allow myself to be ‘lost’ in a man’s goals again. 

I would, however, enjoy being in a relationship with the man I choose who complements me, creating and pursuing common goals together with me, while continuing the pursuit of our own separate, individual aspirations in life.

I believe that compatible partners sharing highs and lows, along with accepting and encouraging one another makes life’s journey both satisfying and exciting.  

To build this life with my ‘soul mate’ is worth the wait …

Lately, various friends have been ill with cold viruses, and I had been determined not to succumb as well.

My body has different ideas and I find myself nursing a sore throat, fever, and fatigue that precedes a full-blown illness. 

The unfortunate timing will prevent me from co-facilitating the divorcecare group tonight, as I will not expose anyone else to this. 

Allowing myself permission to ‘vegetate’ and heal, without guilt, has been a lifelong lesson for me to learn.

The ‘caregiver’ in me, after years of caring for family, friends, and clients,  is now directed at myself.

As a child, and sometimes as an adult, I would rely on my mother to provide her healing touch with her own special remedies. 

Just the knowledge that she cared for me and showed me her love in this way was enough for me to feel safe and secure.

In later years, role reversal became necessary with her declining health.

This is the first time I recall having a ‘cold’ since her death.

I also remember times, as a young mother and wife, that I would only become ill on Mother’s Day or my birthday, as if the pampering on these days could only be justified if I was unwell. 

I was the ’strong’ one who was the ‘caregiver’.  I felt my family could not afford for me to be ‘vulnerable’ or ‘weak’.

Now ‘I’ am my only ’caregiver’, and paradoxically, the vulnerability I feel is what provides me the strength to take care of myself . . .

Being a cooler day, after wonderful spring temperatures yesterday, I decided to postpone my hiking and focus on my writing. 

Rain was predicted today although I haven’t seen any, other than the occasional indoor variety when my eyes overbrim with thoughts of loss.

Hopefully, the forecast proves to be accurate with a warmer day for Hilton Falls tomorrow. 

I am readying myself for a lengthy trek with strengthening exercises, so that I will be prepared for wooded and waterfall terrain.  I will have my camera at the ready as well.

My cathedral will be outdoors where I can connect to the creator in nature.

Today I transferred all of my break-up advice articles to my blog, and will be writing and posting them here, where they belong, as they are my creation.

It is time to claim my creativity and professional talent as the gift it is. 

I do believe that is what my creator is asking me to do as I continue on life’s journey.

When a relationship ends, along with the sexual life that accompanied it, there is a void of physical contact and intimacy with another human being.

While grieving the couple loss, sex might be the last thing on one person’s mind, and for another it could be the only thing he/she can think about.

This can be a risky time for some individuals who are looking for comfort and healing, leading them to sexual encounters outside of a relationship.

Men, in particular, are able to separate sex from a relationship; whereas women, in general, bond more quickly once sex enters the dynamic.  Sexually, a woman’s emotional needs are better satisfied in a relationship.

Before healing can occur it is unwise to enter into any new relationship, for all of the reasons previously discussed in my break-up advice articles.

As sexual desire returns, a man/woman must decide how to handle his/her needs in a healthy manner.  This is an individual decision based on one’s values.

Some healthy outlets might involve focusing on physically active pursuits, along with work and other interests, as well as ‘making love to oneself’.

As time passes and one heals, hopefully another relationship will occur if that is desired.

If not, and one prefers to be alone, a satisfying life is possible with the proper mindset.

When a relationship breaks down and a couple separates, in addition to these two people, there are others who suffer.

When there are children involved, no matter what their ages, they become victims of the loss as well, through no fault of their own.

The younger the child, the more guilt is felt, as he/she is not able to comprehend that the ‘world doesn’t revolve around him/her’, and he/she did not cause the break-up.

In-laws and extended family might feel divided loyalties.

Friends, especially couples, also might feel they need to take sides.

There are no easy solutions.

Children need to be reassured by both parents that they are loved and safe and not to blame, in spite of the inevitable split in living arrangements. 

Enlisting the assistance of child psychologists or experts in child development might be necessary to learn the best ways to deal with individual children’s needs. 

Informing children’s teachers of the situation is vital so that they can be vigilant of any behavioral signs of depression, anxiety and anger.

The temptation sometimes is for one or both partners to ‘use’ the children as messengers or pawns in an adversarial situation. 

Maligning the other parent must be avoided. 

This is a dangerous scenario which will engender animosity and anxiety in children who will feel they must choose one parent over the other even though both are loved equally.

Custody issues need to be addressed when under-aged children are involved.  

What is in the child’s best interest always needs to be the goal of both parents in spite of ones own desires.

In order to accomplish that task, a family mediator might need to be enlisted to assist in negotiating the best possible outcome for the children.

When both individuals are able to put the child’s needs first and create a secure, loving environment in both homes, the children of the family will not only survive the break-up, but can become stronger, more resilient people as a result.

Once the grieving of a break-up is complete; one is comfortable living alone, and no longer ‘needs’ a relationship but rather ‘wants’ one, the task becomes that of finding someone compatible.

For some, the temptation is to begin the process in the comfort and safety of ones own home via the Internet. 

On-line dating includes the advantages of convenience, advanced screening of individuals, as well as a global audience to choose from.

Some of the drawbacks to this venue are that it can become an ‘addictive’ process, as is the potential with any repetitive behavior; it can become expensive as most sites charge a fee, and there is the real chance that the individual one ‘meets’ in this way is deceptive with personal details and photos.

The only way to know an individual is to spend time with the person in a variety of situations and settings.

Some people frequent clubs and bars to meet potential relationship partners.

Others join a variety of groups with the hope of meeting other like-minded individuals.

Occasionally, friends, family or acquaintances introduce prospective partners to one another.

A work environment with networking through coworkers is a potential opportunity to connect with someone new.

When one is interested in meeting and dating others, it is important to inform everyone in your life that you are ready to do that.

Provided an individual has learned to be happy living with him/herself alone, then meeting someone compatible is the ‘icing on the cake’, irrespective of how, where or when that occurs.

Routinely, as a professional, I do not bring my own personal experience into the equation when I offer counsel or advice to others; even though my life is definitely influenced by the knowledge and expertise I have gained in the psychological field.

However, in relationship loss I have found that what has helped me personally and many others I have known both personally and professionally is a spiritual foundation.

Not everyone practices spirituality in the same way.

Religions profess faith in the same God in different ways, and sometimes wars result from these perceived differences, usually involving the religious ‘right’ to land occupation.

For many, experiencing the connectedness in nature of all living things, and the energy existing in everything inanimate as well as animate is spirituality.

For others, the worship of God, an intelligent energy force and creator of the universe is spirituality.

And some have discovered that God is love; the energy of truth in its purest form.

Whether or not one belongs to a specific religion, or denomination within a religious sect, will probably influence how one heals when the loss of a loved one and relationship is involved.

For me, being Christian means I have faith that the trinity of God the father, Jesus the son, and the Holy Spirit will all guide and heal me in difficult times of loss.

Whether or not I listen and follow the indwelling spirit is still my choice; my free will.

When I do listen to this inner intuitive voice I find an inner peace follows with the joy of knowing I am loved spiritually, even though I have no earthly companion to love me in the physical sense.

Being in nature surrounded by all of creation grounds me and fills me with peace in the knowledge that I am part of all that is.

Dealing with losses in life can definitely be made easier with a spiritual belief.

The feeling that we are not alone and that everything seen and unseen is connected even though not understood brings a sense of inner peace and love that is a healing force during all of life’s adversity.