Judy Price is Writing

As October ends, my season is changing as well.

I am overcome with a new sense of urgency to re-evaluate my life and relationships. Now is the time to let go of ‘would be’ love, to replace it with ‘what is’, and to be grateful.

That doesn’t mean that the longing for my soul mate will ever end. It does mean that I will stop trying to make ‘fantasy’ become ‘reality’. I will be patient and trust that we will find each other ‘when the time is right’. 

One year ago, I wrote a poem entitled, “Soul mates”, which I hope to publish along with my other poetry, in a forum where  I will have no ‘intellectual property’ issues.

Now I will refocus my time and energy.

The waves of grief overtook me yesterday, as I realized my mother’s number is still on the speed dial of both my home and cellular phones.

At the same time, I discovered pictures of her on my cell phone, taken a few months before her health deteriorated.

The tears surfaced and subsided as the knowledge that she is not living in this realm any longer resonated deep within my soul.

This is reality. I need to continue moving forward, as the only constant in life is change . . .

A little comic relief anyone??

Sitting in a restaurant earlier today, socializing with my youngest daughter, she noticed that I was silent for an inordinate length of time instead of responsive. 

She made the comment, “I can see the wheels turning in your head, but you aren’t saying anything.”

To which I replied, “Sometimes when it looks like my wheels are turning in my brain, they are, but it comes up empty!  It’s like the slot machines without the bar codes!!”

Needless to say, she laughed, and I am glad to oblige…

As I become more immersed in the hiking world, I realize the added benefits to my life.

Not only am I in the natural world, mostly forests, where I can breathe in deeply and enjoy the fragrance of pine, cedar, wildflowers, rain, earth, falling leaves, and more, depending on the season, I am with like-minded people who enjoy similar interests. 

Sometimes, if I’m lucky, I even meet an individual whose spirit connects in a familiar way.

Couple that with the exercise for my body, and the grief healing that occurs naturally as I walk quickly on the earth, in addition to the spirituality of being an intricate part of the natural cycle, and I have found a winning combination.

All of these wonderful pros minimize the cons of the physical wear, and sometimes tear, on my body.  It is frustrating when I miss one weekend of hiking.  I am becoming dependent in a most profound way.

As October draws near its’ end, my grief seems to be stabilizing, although I still haven’t read the sympathy cards. They lay there on my mother’s desk, waiting to be put away.

It is almost like burying my Mom all over again, and part of me doesn’t want to let go. I feel that I must force myself to read the words before I lay them to rest out of view, just as I needed to see her in the casket before her burial.

Perhaps it is OK for me to just be, and let this happen spontaneously when I am ready. A good life lesson, actually…

I just posted and then removed another poem on this site.  Before October and the leaves have gone, I was hoping to share this one publicly.  However, ‘intellectual property’ issues prevent me from risking it in this forum.

I witnessed what is revealed in my writing, 3 years to the day my nephew and godson died in a tragic car accident.  Every October 8th since then has been a bittersweet birthday for me.

I am therefore thankful that my daughters suggested hosting my recent milestone celebration of my life 5 days before the 8th.  As it turns out, all of my siblings and some of my dearest friends were able to attend.  That alone has made the journey to this phase worthwhile. . .

The third month anniversary of my Mom’s death is today. It is two months since my first grief  healing journal blog was posted on the blogspot site.

Now that I am hiking, as much as possible, with and in nature, I am grieving more easily it seems. At least the waves are more like ripples these days, and the tears, when they fall, subside more quickly. I no longer feel like I am drowning. I know I will reach the light as I navigate to the end of each pipeline of tears.

My drifting is somewhat comforting. I need not know where I am headed, and the loss of my anchor allows me freedom to roam. The journey, not the destination, is my focus.

I still yearn for my soul mate, although I realize that I cannot control my destiny. I can only hope and pray that fate will bring him into focus on my journey of life.

 My journey of grief is leading me toward healing through challenging my senses, and testing my courage.

Recently, I walked a narrow, swaying plank in the treetops. No fear! The most difficult part for me was opening and closing the hooks that I placed on the cables.

I descended to the earth via 2 ziplines. Once again, I experienced no fear.

I am ready to spread my wings and not only fly, but soar to new heights

Well, I got it wrong! My older brother corrected me, in that I suggested Wolfoyte to be a better sounding name than Coywolf, which is the official crossbreed.

Cunningly coy, consistently corrected, and constantly confused, not to mention co-dependent??    

In fact, I found that I was so co-dependent, I had to join alanon to break the habit!!! 

Welcome to my world